How about a cracker? Sometimes it’s the only thing you need, the only thing that will satisfy. You may have your heart set on a certain kind of cracker or want to try something new.
I can assure you the Cheez-It brand, baked snack cracker extraordinaire, hopes for the latter. Unless, of course, you are already a loyal Cheez-It fan.
I really threw that at you. Let me settle in and explain.
The other day, I shopped at one of those mega grocery stores. It’s at least two football fields long. It’s one of the places where you really need to gauge whether it’s worth the half mile trek if, indeed, you happened to forget something. Jelly, for example. No, the kids can handle a peanut butter sans jelly sandwich. Eggs? The ones in the fridge are probably fine. You catch my drift.
This grocery warehouse deliverers variety. I know this is typically something we can appreciate, but even I have my limits. So, I was walking down the cracker aisle and I was absolutely bombarded with a preposterous amount of varieties of Cheez-It crackers. Now what would you think would be a reasonable number of varieties for a brand to offer its customers? What say you? Four? Five? That’s seems reasonable enough. Well, brace yourselves, friends…try 17 varieties of crackers. Yes, seventeen. I spelled that out in case you think I made a typo.
Don’t believe me? Well, I have evidence. See for yourselves.
Cheez-It offer the following 17 choices in cracker (in no particular order):
- Cheez-It – regular (the one we all know and love)
- Snack Mix – regular
- Snack Mix Double Cheese
- Reduced Fat
- White cheddar
- Colby
- Baby Swiss
- Pepper Jack
- Cheddar Jack
- Four Cheese
- Duoz – Sharp Cheddar/Parmesan
- Duoz – Smoked Cheddar/Monterey Jack
- “BIG” Mozzarella – Creamy and Mild
- Hot and Spicy
- Scrabble Junior
- Spiderman
- Family Size- albeit the same as #1, but still another offering
Jiminy Crickets, Cheez-Its! Have you gone insane? Clearly, this little cracker has lost its mind.
Grab a hold of yourself, Cheez-Its. You’ve always been one of my favorite, tried and true, but lately I don’t feel like I can relate to you. When people see this lavish display, Cheez-Its, they just want to run in the other direction.
What are you trying to prove anyway? You’re assuming everyone likes crackers in the first place, which just isn’t true.
Some people prefer chips. I mean do you really think you can capture every niche market.
You can’t! That’s just impossible. This is a desperate act.
Because I care so much about you, I’m going to give you some guidance. Pay attention Cheez-Its. There’s still hope for you.
1. The “BIG” cracker: Listen, you are the little cracker! Little, little, little. That’s what people love about you. Quit trying to be something you’re not. Do you think that by being “BIG” you’ll attract those people who want actual cheese on their cracker. Well, you won’t. These people will buy more sophisticated crackers and buy real cheese, actual cheese for their snacking habit, like a Roquefort or a Manchego. C’mon, face the music.
2. Blatant Extravagance: Customers who suffer from periodic hormonal mood swings (no one I know), will be so distraught by this abundant spectacle of crackers, they are likely to not be able to make any decision, and will leave the store in tears, empty-handed. They will be forced to eat their reject, stale crackers at home. Cheez-Its, you need to be more sensitive.
3. Hot and Spicy: Do you think you’re a chip now? You’re not. Enough said.
4. Family Fare: Scrabble Jr. and Spiderman. We know Spiderman’s web can stick to the surface of any object, and with great power comes responsibility. Blah blah blah.What you have here is a stressed out mom and a couple of kids pitted against each other. Family infighting ensues and a pissed off mom leaves the aisle empty-handed with kids in tears. Sound familiar. See Item 2.
5. Snack Mix: Clearly you’re attempting to zero in on the Chex Mix market. Chex has this territory wrapped. A waste of your time.
6. Duoz: Are you trying to be bilingual? Is this the wizard’s cracker? Is this your attempt at cute?
Oh, I think I’m done! I don’t know what more I can do for you, Cheez-Its.
Just stick to your guns. You’re a positively good, little cracker. You don’t need all these gimmicks. You don’t need to show off. Now go forward and be the best baked snack cracker you can be. I believe in you, Cheez-Its.
Dear readers, say it with me: Cheez-Its, you’re a winner. We like you just the way you are.
photo credits: sortofbreakit via photopin cc; Express Monorail via photopin cc; Fr Antunes via photopin cc
AmyReeseWrites 
I don’t want to sound old here, but whatever happened to just one choice of everything? Grocery shopping has become too difficult.
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Right! I really have to psyche myself up to go shopping. It’s such an ordeal sometimes. This I really couldn’t believe! I had to pause and look at it and reflect.
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Now *that’s* a hella lot of cheez-its! I would say “meh, I can’t decide,” and head straight for the goldfish. Well, I’d probably head straight for the cookies a little further down the aisle, and face the same dilemma with all of the 100-calorie snack options.
I had to laugh out loud at the zombie baby. Fun post!
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Thanks! Me, too. Let’s not get started with the cookie aisle. That’s whole another ball of wax. Too many choices. What’s it good for anyway?
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Wax? Ummm… candles, wax paper and hair removal. 😉
Hope you’re having a great weekend!
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Why did I have to open my big mouth?! I hope you’re enjoying your weekend, too.
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Oh yes. Grocery shopping. A trip to the supermarket has me waxing nostalgic for one of my blinding migraines. At least then I get to stay in bed
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I know. I find myself putting it off for as long as possible. I try to do a “big” shopping so I don’t have to go the store so much, but it never fails, I always need something, and I’m going back to the store for one or two items.
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I truly dislike cheezeit crackers. My kids and husband like them but I don’t buy them because they have yellow dye known to cause hyperactivity and exacerbate asthma. I buy Annies cheddar bunnies….which I know has nothing to do with what you were talking about but I have a tendency toward ADD.
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Hi Becca. You’re probably right. I don’t think I even want to think about it. Actually, I only buy Cheez-it on occasion. Usually I buy the Ritz, which is also probably full of bad stuff. I’m sure the bunnies are better for you.
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I’m going opposite here. I like the variety, and I love to try new things. I say Cheez-Its, add more! Pepper Jack sounds delishes!
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I had a feeling you would say that, Chris! You’ll have to write a rebuttal in support of all Cheez-Its!
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I like choices. Pro Cheez-It’s!
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I’ll say! I like the Cheez-It in its most pure form. Yay!!
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Chris, you know I’m kidding about this right? I do like a few choices…but just a few.
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🙂 I know.
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Good! I didn’t want you think I was some crazed lunatic in love with the original, classic Cheez-It.
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I don’t like Cheez-its, so I can skip that aisle and move on quickly to the cereal aisle, where I can pick up something quick. Yikes. It’s overkill. I can’t say exactly what it is, but there’s something very wrong about this over-marketing when there are people starving in Africa.
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A little secret, Stephen. I don’t really like Cheez-Its that much, not THIS much. I’m just making fun…er, trying to be funny. I think it’s a little WAY much. 17! I couldn’t believe it. There’s choices, and then there’s this…which has me feeling a little disturbed. Then there’s people that are starving which is very wrong.
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you are hilarious and I agree with you on every point — except anything Spiderman is good if you have a Spiderman fanatic in your family– I would just go to the Vinta aisle myself
glad I found you on another blog site
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Thanks! Actually the Spidey is pretty cool. That’s the box I chose on the shopping day (truth be told). I would have gone for the Scrabble since they’re educational and all, but the box costs more and is quite a bit smaller. See, I’m a sauvy shoppe
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glad to hear Spidey won out!
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Thanks! Actually the Spidey is pretty cool. That’s the box I chose on the shopping day (truth be told). I would have gone for the Scrabble since they’re educational and all, but the box costs more and is quite a bit smaller. See, I’m a sauvy shoppe
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Wow…I got knocked off…I was saying, I’m a savy shopper! Yes, I had to get that out.
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This is so depressing to me. There are too many choices in everything! It overwhelms me and I hate going to the grocery store. I’ll just settle for a plain cracker with cheese on it. Makes life easier. Funny post, Bumble.
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Thanks, Brigitte. I know. It’s ridiculous. I really thought this was over the top. All those cheeses taste about the same, I’m sure. All processed and salty. For the record, I don’t care about Cheez-Its that much…
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I’m more of a chip person than a cracker person, generally, but I do like the original, classic Cheez-Its. However, I had no idea they had come out with so many varieties. That’s a little sad. It really reminds me of girls who try way too hard to get guys to like them. They’ll slap on all kinds of makeup and jewelry and different clothes and stuff. When will they realize that they’re okay without all the fancy trimmings???
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Madame, I also prefer the chips! Tortilla chips, especially. And, with salsa if I have it. Yes, exactly!! I’ll admit I like a little variety, but this borders on ridiculous. I’m sure most of these crackers with all the different cheeses taste about the same. It’s best to be who you are! Well said, Madame.
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I feel like I gained five pounds just looking at those Cheez-Itz. Holy crap! For serious, that was insane. Hilarious post!
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Thank you! It is insane, isn’t it? Enough already, huh?
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My friends husband makes Cheez-It chicken and that’s her daughter’s favorite kind of chicken. Hysterical. Your post and the Cheez-It empire. I’m a crunchy Cheetos girl myself.
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Thanks! Yummy Cheez-It chicken. What could be better? They might like to try a new type of Cheez-It for their dish. I like chips and salsa, myself. Once I start with the Cheetos, I can’t stop. Those are dangerous!
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I think at one point they had a jalapeno Cheez-It? Or maybe it was just the spicy one you mentioned. Either way, not a fan. Goldfish has done this too!
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Well, I wouldn’t surprised! Just add it to the list, right?
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I am one of those snobs who eats Club crackers with real cheese anyway. 😉
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I like chips and salsa! 🙂
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Mmm. Guacamole for me!
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Is it lunch yet? Haha!
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Wowza! I applaud your dedication to research, B.F!
It looks like you could have given yourself carpel-tunnel just typing up that product list! And that’s no laughing matter, because… you know… with a wrist injury that serious it would probably be very difficult to keep snacking!
🙂
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True. I did have to write all those varieties down. That was work!! That must be why my wrist hurts, come to think of it. After that, I didn’t want to eat another Cheez-It again! 🙂
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Personally, Cheezits are not my favorite–they stick to the roof of my mouth–but I love your take on Marketing gone Mad…
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Thanks! Yeah, I don’t really like Cheez-Its that much either. I’m actually not loyal to any cracker in particular, although once in a while I may buy Cheez-Its.They’re kind of hard to ignore. They dominated the whole aisle!
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