Do You Want a Little Smackerel of Something?

How about a cracker? Sometimes it’s the only thing you need, the only thing that will satisfy. You may have your heart set on a certain kind of cracker or want to try something new.

I can assure you the Cheez-It brand, baked snack cracker extraordinaire, hopes for the latter. Unless, of course, you are already a loyal Cheez-It fan.

I really threw that at you. Let me settle in and explain.

The other day, I shopped at one of those mega grocery stores. It’s at least two football fields long. It’s one of the places where you really need to gauge whether it’s worth the half mile trek if, indeed, you happened to forget something. Jelly, for example. No, the kids can handle a peanut butter sans jelly sandwich. Eggs? The ones in the fridge are probably fine. You catch my drift.

This grocery warehouse deliverers variety. I know this is typically something we can appreciate, but even I have my limits. So, I was walking down the cracker aisle and I was absolutely bombarded with a preposterous amount of varieties of Cheez-It crackers. Now what would you think would be a reasonable number of varieties for a brand to offer its customers? What say you? Four? Five? That’s seems reasonable enough. Well, brace yourselves, friends…try 17 varieties of crackers. Yes, seventeen. I spelled that out in case you think I made a typo.

Don’t believe me? Well, I have evidence. See for yourselves.

Cheez-It offer the following 17 choices in cracker (in no particular order):

  1. Cheez-It – regular (the one we all know and love)
  2. Snack Mix – regular
  3. Snack Mix Double Cheese
  4. Reduced Fat
  5. White cheddar
  6. Colby
  7. Baby Swiss
  8. Pepper Jack
  9. Cheddar Jack
  10. Four Cheese
  11. Duoz – Sharp Cheddar/Parmesan
  12. Duoz – Smoked Cheddar/Monterey Jack
  13. “BIG” Mozzarella – Creamy and Mild
  14. Hot and Spicy
  15. Scrabble Junior
  16. Spiderman
  17. Family Size- albeit the same as #1, but still another offering

Jiminy Crickets, Cheez-Its! Have you gone insane? Clearly, this little cracker has lost its mind.

Grab a hold of yourself, Cheez-Its. You’ve always been one of my favorite, tried and true, but lately I don’t feel like I can relate to you. When people see this lavish display, Cheez-Its, they just want to run in the other direction.

What are you trying to prove anyway? You’re assuming everyone likes crackers in the first place, which just isn’t true.

Only H-U-N-N-Y will do.

Some people prefer chips. I mean do you really think you can capture every niche market.

Zombie Baby doesn’t like crackers.

You can’t! That’s just impossible. This is a desperate act.

Because I care so much about you, I’m going to give you some guidance. Pay attention Cheez-Its. There’s still hope for you.

1. The “BIG” cracker: Listen, you are the little cracker! Little, little, little. That’s what people love about you. Quit trying to be something you’re not. Do you think that by being “BIG” you’ll attract those people who want actual cheese on their cracker. Well, you won’t. These people will buy more sophisticated crackers and buy real cheese, actual cheese for their snacking habit, like a Roquefort or a Manchego. C’mon, face the music.

2. Blatant Extravagance: Customers who suffer from periodic hormonal mood swings (no one I know), will be so distraught by this abundant spectacle of crackers, they are likely to not be able to make any decision, and will leave the store in tears, empty-handed. They will be forced to eat their reject, stale crackers at home. Cheez-Its, you need to be more sensitive.

3. Hot and Spicy: Do you think you’re a chip now? You’re not. Enough said.

4. Family Fare:  Scrabble Jr. and Spiderman. We know Spiderman’s web can stick to the surface of any object, and with great power comes responsibility. Blah blah blah.What you have here is a stressed out mom and a couple of kids pitted against each other. Family infighting ensues and a pissed off mom leaves the aisle empty-handed with kids in tears. Sound familiar. See Item 2.

5. Snack Mix: Clearly you’re attempting to zero in on the Chex Mix market. Chex has this territory wrapped. A waste of your time.

6. Duoz: Are you trying to be bilingual? Is this the wizard’s cracker? Is this your attempt at cute?

Oh, I think I’m done! I don’t know what more I can do for you, Cheez-Its.

Just stick to your guns. You’re a positively good, little cracker. You don’t need all these gimmicks. You don’t need to show off.  Now go forward and be the best baked snack cracker you can be.  I believe in you, Cheez-Its.

Alice likes you just the way you are.

Dear readers, say it with me: Cheez-Its, you’re a winner. We like you just the way you are.

photo credits: sortofbreakit via photopin ccExpress Monorail via photopin ccFr Antunes via photopin cc

42 thoughts on “Do You Want a Little Smackerel of Something?

  1. Now *that’s* a hella lot of cheez-its! I would say “meh, I can’t decide,” and head straight for the goldfish. Well, I’d probably head straight for the cookies a little further down the aisle, and face the same dilemma with all of the 100-calorie snack options.

    I had to laugh out loud at the zombie baby. Fun post!


    1. I know. I find myself putting it off for as long as possible. I try to do a “big” shopping so I don’t have to go the store so much, but it never fails, I always need something, and I’m going back to the store for one or two items.


  2. I truly dislike cheezeit crackers. My kids and husband like them but I don’t buy them because they have yellow dye known to cause hyperactivity and exacerbate asthma. I buy Annies cheddar bunnies….which I know has nothing to do with what you were talking about but I have a tendency toward ADD.


    1. Hi Becca. You’re probably right. I don’t think I even want to think about it. Actually, I only buy Cheez-it on occasion. Usually I buy the Ritz, which is also probably full of bad stuff. I’m sure the bunnies are better for you.


  3. I don’t like Cheez-its, so I can skip that aisle and move on quickly to the cereal aisle, where I can pick up something quick. Yikes. It’s overkill. I can’t say exactly what it is, but there’s something very wrong about this over-marketing when there are people starving in Africa.


    1. A little secret, Stephen. I don’t really like Cheez-Its that much, not THIS much. I’m just making fun…er, trying to be funny. I think it’s a little WAY much. 17! I couldn’t believe it. There’s choices, and then there’s this…which has me feeling a little disturbed. Then there’s people that are starving which is very wrong.


    1. Thanks! Actually the Spidey is pretty cool. That’s the box I chose on the shopping day (truth be told). I would have gone for the Scrabble since they’re educational and all, but the box costs more and is quite a bit smaller. See, I’m a sauvy shoppe


    2. Thanks! Actually the Spidey is pretty cool. That’s the box I chose on the shopping day (truth be told). I would have gone for the Scrabble since they’re educational and all, but the box costs more and is quite a bit smaller. See, I’m a sauvy shoppe


  4. This is so depressing to me. There are too many choices in everything! It overwhelms me and I hate going to the grocery store. I’ll just settle for a plain cracker with cheese on it. Makes life easier. Funny post, Bumble.


    1. Thanks, Brigitte. I know. It’s ridiculous. I really thought this was over the top. All those cheeses taste about the same, I’m sure. All processed and salty. For the record, I don’t care about Cheez-Its that much…


  5. I’m more of a chip person than a cracker person, generally, but I do like the original, classic Cheez-Its. However, I had no idea they had come out with so many varieties. That’s a little sad. It really reminds me of girls who try way too hard to get guys to like them. They’ll slap on all kinds of makeup and jewelry and different clothes and stuff. When will they realize that they’re okay without all the fancy trimmings???


    1. Madame, I also prefer the chips! Tortilla chips, especially. And, with salsa if I have it. Yes, exactly!! I’ll admit I like a little variety, but this borders on ridiculous. I’m sure most of these crackers with all the different cheeses taste about the same. It’s best to be who you are! Well said, Madame.


  6. My friends husband makes Cheez-It chicken and that’s her daughter’s favorite kind of chicken. Hysterical. Your post and the Cheez-It empire. I’m a crunchy Cheetos girl myself.


    1. Thanks! Yummy Cheez-It chicken. What could be better? They might like to try a new type of Cheez-It for their dish. I like chips and salsa, myself. Once I start with the Cheetos, I can’t stop. Those are dangerous!


  7. Wowza! I applaud your dedication to research, B.F!
    It looks like you could have given yourself carpel-tunnel just typing up that product list! And that’s no laughing matter, because… you know… with a wrist injury that serious it would probably be very difficult to keep snacking!


    1. Thanks! Yeah, I don’t really like Cheez-Its that much either. I’m actually not loyal to any cracker in particular, although once in a while I may buy Cheez-Its.They’re kind of hard to ignore. They dominated the whole aisle!


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