How about a cracker? Sometimes it’s the only thing you need, the only thing that will satisfy. You may have your heart set on a certain kind of cracker or want to try something new.
I can assure you the Cheez-It brand, baked snack cracker extraordinaire, hopes for the latter. Unless, of course, you are already a loyal Cheez-It fan.
I really threw that at you. Let me settle in and explain.
The other day, I shopped at one of those mega grocery stores. It’s at least two football fields long. It’s one of the places where you really need to gauge whether it’s worth the half mile trek if, indeed, you happened to forget something. Jelly, for example. No, the kids can handle a peanut butter sans jelly sandwich. Eggs? The ones in the fridge are probably fine. You catch my drift.
This grocery warehouse deliverers variety. I know this is typically something we can appreciate, but even I have my limits. So, I was walking down the cracker aisle and I was absolutely bombarded with a preposterous amount of varieties of Cheez-It crackers. Now what would you think would be a reasonable number of varieties for a brand to offer its customers? What say you? Four? Five? That’s seems reasonable enough. Well, brace yourselves, friends…try 17 varieties of crackers. Yes, seventeen. I spelled that out in case you think I made a typo.
Don’t believe me? Well, I have evidence. See for yourselves.
Cheez-It offer the following 17 choices in cracker (in no particular order):
- Cheez-It – regular (the one we all know and love)
- Snack Mix – regular
- Snack Mix Double Cheese
- Reduced Fat
- White cheddar
- Baby Swiss
- Pepper Jack
- Cheddar Jack
- Four Cheese
- Duoz – Sharp Cheddar/Parmesan
- Duoz – Smoked Cheddar/Monterey Jack
- “BIG” Mozzarella – Creamy and Mild
- Hot and Spicy
- Scrabble Junior
- Family Size- albeit the same as #1, but still another offering
Jiminy Crickets, Cheez-Its! Have you gone insane? Clearly, this little cracker has lost its mind.
Grab a hold of yourself, Cheez-Its. You’ve always been one of my favorite, tried and true, but lately I don’t feel like I can relate to you. When people see this lavish display, Cheez-Its, they just want to run in the other direction.
What are you trying to prove anyway? You’re assuming everyone likes crackers in the first place, which just isn’t true.
Some people prefer chips. I mean do you really think you can capture every niche market.
You can’t! That’s just impossible. This is a desperate act.
Because I care so much about you, I’m going to give you some guidance. Pay attention Cheez-Its. There’s still hope for you.
1. The “BIG” cracker: Listen, you are the little cracker! Little, little, little. That’s what people love about you. Quit trying to be something you’re not. Do you think that by being “BIG” you’ll attract those people who want actual cheese on their cracker. Well, you won’t. These people will buy more sophisticated crackers and buy real cheese, actual cheese for their snacking habit, like a Roquefort or a Manchego. C’mon, face the music.
2. Blatant Extravagance: Customers who suffer from periodic hormonal mood swings (no one I know), will be so distraught by this abundant spectacle of crackers, they are likely to not be able to make any decision, and will leave the store in tears, empty-handed. They will be forced to eat their reject, stale crackers at home. Cheez-Its, you need to be more sensitive.
3. Hot and Spicy: Do you think you’re a chip now? You’re not. Enough said.
4. Family Fare: Scrabble Jr. and Spiderman. We know Spiderman’s web can stick to the surface of any object, and with great power comes responsibility. Blah blah blah.What you have here is a stressed out mom and a couple of kids pitted against each other. Family infighting ensues and a pissed off mom leaves the aisle empty-handed with kids in tears. Sound familiar. See Item 2.
5. Snack Mix: Clearly you’re attempting to zero in on the Chex Mix market. Chex has this territory wrapped. A waste of your time.
6. Duoz: Are you trying to be bilingual? Is this the wizard’s cracker? Is this your attempt at cute?
Oh, I think I’m done! I don’t know what more I can do for you, Cheez-Its.
Just stick to your guns. You’re a positively good, little cracker. You don’t need all these gimmicks. You don’t need to show off. Now go forward and be the best baked snack cracker you can be. I believe in you, Cheez-Its.
Dear readers, say it with me: Cheez-Its, you’re a winner. We like you just the way you are.