It’s time for another installment of Friday Fictioneers brought to you by our gracious host, Rochelle Wisoff-Fields. This week’s photo is from Lora Mitchell.
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My story in 102 words is in the Political Thriller genre, as best I could tell.
Copyright Lora Mitchell
Borders
Bursts of blue and pink halos illuminated the faces of onlookers waving the flag of their leader, while a strange anthem hummed in the distance. On a hillside, two women crawled with their chests to the ground.
“In the dark we run,” said Mica. “Wait now. Head down.”
“It’s now or never,” Anya whispered.
While an infusion of exploding bangs radiated bursts of glitter, Anya and Mica sprinted towards a man-made tunnel.
A guard interceded, holding a rifle to Anya’s neck. His icy glare steady, his eyes joined hers in burning anticipation.
“Imprison them.”
Anya held his gaze, envisioning their reunion.
Another good hook! What’s going on here, I wonder.
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Thanks, Sandra. I know…lots of questions. Probably too many!
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Can I “like” five times?
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Cathy, I’ll say “thank you” five times! You’re so kind.
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You have me wanting to know “the rest of the story.” Not sure Anya would blare, if they were trying to remain undiscovered, even if there were fireworks. Maybe “whispered Mica” and then “Anya responded/murmured”?
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Thanks, Janet. I’m trying to show that Anya is running to this guy. She knows he is going to be there, or might be there. I think this story is probably a little confusing. Plus, remember there are loud fireworks happening 🙂 I appreciate your feedback.
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OK, that makes a bit more sense to me. She was trying to attract his attention. “Blared” still seems like a word for either an instrument or a grade school student out of control, one that might be better changed, even if she’s talking to be heard. Shouted or cried seem less strident if more usual. Could be just me, though. 🙂
But I’d still like to know the rest of the story.
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That’s it??? That’s the whole story? Damn you for that 102-word tease.
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Oh sorry, Madame. I never want to disappoint you! I’m just following orders…Thanks for reading my 102 words.
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Ok you have to give us more in another post :). Very nice… Left me wanting more
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Thanks, Boomie.
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I want more, I need more.
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Thanks, Leo. I appreciate it.
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Really well done! Makes me wonder why she wanted to get the guards attention……
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Thanks, Jackie. Potential lovers…I changed it. Maybe it will be a little more clear now.
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maybe I’m contrary but I liked it better the first way. Makes it more mysterious. But that’s just me 🙂
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There is mystery and subtlety, and then there’s confusion. I’m going to let it rest. I appreciate your feedback though. Thanks! 🙂
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Wonderfully written – kind of agree about that word – but great pacing and tension -and dialogue -‘scurried’ bit of a worry. The last few lines are a mystery – and strong for it.Lots of thoughts there, did she double cross her friend, will she try to seduce him, do they know each other – are they lovers….yes…this could continue…easily!
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Thanks, Managua. Yes, I kind of struggled with this and then said, “Done!” I’m not that happy with it. My idea is that the guard and Anya do know each other, have a past, and are potential lovers. Maybe too much for a micro story?! Thanks for your feedback. I may change a few words. – Amy
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Struggling is good when its worth it. There is a lot here. I already stole many ideas from it for my writing, lodging them in my memory! I like the idea of the escape very much.The tension was great and the story too. I was thinking..maybe North Korea, or a different era. The potential lovers, uniform, prisoner, makes really a lot of material, with intricate complex relationship. Its really good stuff Bumble!
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I changed it, A BIT! I think it’s better. Thanks for all your feedback. I’m sure all your questions remain.
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OH DEAR,..I don’t know …take your time…its very clear..yes…but the tension was so beautiful…go with your heart, mind…not trying to please or clarify- but also, like me, change 10 times if you want, till you get it right…I think your change forced you to ‘explain’ in the last line. Will read again.
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Thanks!! No…I’m feeling it’s unclear, so it’s not just your comments. A few others, too. And my own thoughts. Anyway, I will let it rest now.
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The last sentence is great! The last word…um….
Haha! Just teasing – wonderful writing.
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This time…I probably wouldn’t change it…haha! Or, maybe I would….Really, thanks.
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Its difficult, isn’t it…I could keep touching every post up – like painters do I suppose.
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Yes! Sometimes it’s better to just walk away…
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Is Anya one of the bad guys or good guys? Hard to tell, but this is intriguing Amy, and it barely satiates the readers’ appetites which I’m guessing is your intention. ;).
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Thanks, Brigitte. Well, I’m glad you found it intriguing. I think it should be more conclusive. As I was telling another reader, I struggled with this a bit. At the very least, I have some material if I wish to take this further. Anya is good! But, that is a good question. I’m trying to show that a new government is being put in place (fireworks, flags) and she is running from it. 🙂
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appetite whetted, more please.
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Thank you so much.
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Brilliant and very moorish! I want to know what happens! 😀
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Thank you, Dianne! Moorish, I like it.
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You know I want to comment, Amy. I love to comment. I must confess I was a little confused until I read all the other comments. Now, i think I understand the story and the pieces are starting to come together in my mind. You’ve aroused my curiosity.
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Thanks, Russell. It was confusing for me…I almost didn’t publish it. It’s always good to get feedback! Maybe with a bit more tinkering it could more clear. I’m going to leave it for now, but I may try to rework it just for myself later. Thank you.
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Hi Amy,
I thought that was it. She was trying to reconnect with somebody by getting herself captured. Your comments confirmed it. At least I think so. Enigmatic and thought-provoking! Ron
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Thank you, Ron. Thanks for taking the time to figure it out! Sorry, it wasn’t so clear. Oh, well. Thank you for your kind comments.
Amy
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I loved it. Does he feel anything for her?
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Yes, he does. I would say so. Thanks!
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I am with Weebs.. damn you teasing us.. give us more. Excellent
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Thanks! You’re too nice.
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Very good, it seemed she wanted to get “inside” but the sexes would be segregated. This has the feel of a movie “El Norte” which had one of the most intense scenes in a tunnel where a girl and her brother must sneak through a rat infested tunnel to enter the US.
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Thanks, Bill. That makes me want to see “El Norte.” I think the whole idea of a tunnel is intense, isn’t it? Being closed in and not knowing what lies ahead. Thanks for your thoughtful comments.
Amy
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yes, a tunnel is hope, a transition through difficulty, but darkness and danger.
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i like her confidence in “envisioning” their reunion. or – it’s not confidence. she thinks he’s going to kill her – but she knows her partner is going to kill him, and she’s going to meet him on the “other side.” oh crap. it’s probably neither. you win. and well done.
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Thanks, Rich. I like all your ideas. Hey, do you want to write this?
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Amy, I like how you juxtaposed onlookers waiving the flags in a backdrop of FREEDOM with a woman who was about to be imprisoned. Very effective.
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Thanks, Anka. I like your comment, so thoughtful. I hadn’t thought of it that way. Thanks for that.
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oh now you have to tell us the rest!! ^^ great story
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Thank you, KZ. Thanks for reading.
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I knew something was up with the phrase “waving the flag of their leader” instead of their country. That led me right in to them being on their bellies on the hill. I love being surprised that the guards glare is really a lover’s recognition. I’m not going to complain about the 100 word format because when it is used as well as you used it, the intrigue at the end plays on in my mind and I write the rest for myself.
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Thank you, Ly. What a nice compliment you gave me. The 100-word format is a good exercise for me. It’s amazing how one little word can change everything about your story. I think it’s also a good way to write a bigger story if you are so inspired. I’m happy I could give your imagination something to play with. Thanks for reading.
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Lots of intrigue and worthy of expansion if you have the time I would say. Well done with the tinkering to make it work.
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Thank you, Anne. I wasn’t sure I wanted to put this out there because I didn’t think it was very clear. But, it’s great to get feedback from my lovely Fictioneers!
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Very intense and intriguing. it has the makings of an intense thriller. I’d love to see more
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Dear Amy,
From a scene setting and descriptive point of view, this story was great. From a ‘what’s going on? POV there are some questions. Usually the comments sort them out for me but in this case I just think you had to keep working it to reach a point where you reveal what’s going on and still retain your high marks for craftsmanship.
Or, as a famous person once said, maybe not.
Aloha,
Doug
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Doug,
Thank you for your careful reading, as always. It’s okay. I really worked hard at this one, but had to finally let it rest. I think I had too much going on here so it was hard for me to make it work. I may work on it later. Or, maybe not. It’s all helpful for the creative process.
Aloha,
Amy
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Oh, very nicely done, B.F! Very intense! And gripping! Both of those things! At the same time – which is good! 🙂
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Thanks, SIG! To be both of things…it must mean success! You’re so kind. 🙂
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Happy New Year 2013… 🙂
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Thank you. You too, Hilal. Happy New Year! I hope it’s a great year for you.
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I enjoyed reading your article, beautiful and very useful. I always read your posts, I rarely comment, because I am limited in English …. 🙂
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Thank you, Hilal! I think your English is great. Don’t worry. I will never be correcting your English. It’s the thoughts that count. Please feel free to comment any time. I appreciate your comments today! – Amy
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Dear Amy ….
You always encouraging me. I promised to make a comment on one of your interesting posts today …. 🙂
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Oh, of course, Hilal. If you want to that would be great. No pressure from me. It’s always nice of you to stop by.
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Poor Mica..probably has no clue..interesting
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Thanks. I had a little trouble focusing this story. Thanks for reading.
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