Borders – Friday Fictioneers – 01/04/13

Amy Reese,

It’s time for another installment of Friday Fictioneers brought to you by our gracious host, Rochelle Wisoff-Fields. This week’s photo is from Lora Mitchell.

Your participation is welcome. Why not try it out? Please visit Rochelle for instructions. Click here for more stories related to this prompt.

My story in 102 words is in the Political Thriller genre, as best I could tell.

Copyright Lora Mitchell

Borders

Bursts of blue and pink halos illuminated the faces of onlookers waving the flag of their leader, while a strange anthem hummed in the distance. On a hillside, two women crawled with their chests to the ground.

“In the dark we run,” said Mica. “Wait now. Head down.”

“It’s now or never,” Anya whispered.

While an infusion of exploding bangs radiated bursts of glitter, Anya and Mica sprinted towards a man-made tunnel.

A guard interceded, holding a rifle to Anya’s neck. His icy glare steady, his eyes joined hers in burning anticipation.

“Imprison them.”

Anya held his gaze, envisioning their reunion.

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67 Comments

  3. You have me wanting to know “the rest of the story.” Not sure Anya would blare, if they were trying to remain undiscovered, even if there were fireworks. Maybe “whispered Mica” and then “Anya responded/murmured”?

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    1. Thanks, Janet. I’m trying to show that Anya is running to this guy. She knows he is going to be there, or might be there. I think this story is probably a little confusing. Plus, remember there are loud fireworks happening 🙂 I appreciate your feedback.

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      1. OK, that makes a bit more sense to me. She was trying to attract his attention. “Blared” still seems like a word for either an instrument or a grade school student out of control, one that might be better changed, even if she’s talking to be heard. Shouted or cried seem less strident if more usual. Could be just me, though. 🙂

        But I’d still like to know the rest of the story.

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      1. maybe I’m contrary but I liked it better the first way. Makes it more mysterious. But that’s just me 🙂

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  8. Wonderfully written – kind of agree about that word – but great pacing and tension -and dialogue -‘scurried’ bit of a worry. The last few lines are a mystery – and strong for it.Lots of thoughts there, did she double cross her friend, will she try to seduce him, do they know each other – are they lovers….yes…this could continue…easily!

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    1. Thanks, Managua. Yes, I kind of struggled with this and then said, “Done!” I’m not that happy with it. My idea is that the guard and Anya do know each other, have a past, and are potential lovers. Maybe too much for a micro story?! Thanks for your feedback. I may change a few words. – Amy

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      1. Struggling is good when its worth it. There is a lot here. I already stole many ideas from it for my writing, lodging them in my memory! I like the idea of the escape very much.The tension was great and the story too. I was thinking..maybe North Korea, or a different era. The potential lovers, uniform, prisoner, makes really a lot of material, with intricate complex relationship. Its really good stuff Bumble!

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      1. OH DEAR,..I don’t know …take your time…its very clear..yes…but the tension was so beautiful…go with your heart, mind…not trying to please or clarify- but also, like me, change 10 times if you want, till you get it right…I think your change forced you to ‘explain’ in the last line. Will read again.

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  9. Is Anya one of the bad guys or good guys? Hard to tell, but this is intriguing Amy, and it barely satiates the readers’ appetites which I’m guessing is your intention. ;).

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    1. Thanks, Brigitte. Well, I’m glad you found it intriguing. I think it should be more conclusive. As I was telling another reader, I struggled with this a bit. At the very least, I have some material if I wish to take this further. Anya is good! But, that is a good question. I’m trying to show that a new government is being put in place (fireworks, flags) and she is running from it. 🙂

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  12. You know I want to comment, Amy. I love to comment. I must confess I was a little confused until I read all the other comments. Now, i think I understand the story and the pieces are starting to come together in my mind. You’ve aroused my curiosity.

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    1. Thanks, Russell. It was confusing for me…I almost didn’t publish it. It’s always good to get feedback! Maybe with a bit more tinkering it could more clear. I’m going to leave it for now, but I may try to rework it just for myself later. Thank you.

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  16. Very good, it seemed she wanted to get “inside” but the sexes would be segregated. This has the feel of a movie “El Norte” which had one of the most intense scenes in a tunnel where a girl and her brother must sneak through a rat infested tunnel to enter the US.

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    1. Thanks, Bill. That makes me want to see “El Norte.” I think the whole idea of a tunnel is intense, isn’t it? Being closed in and not knowing what lies ahead. Thanks for your thoughtful comments.
      Amy

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  17. i like her confidence in “envisioning” their reunion. or – it’s not confidence. she thinks he’s going to kill her – but she knows her partner is going to kill him, and she’s going to meet him on the “other side.” oh crap. it’s probably neither. you win. and well done.

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  20. I knew something was up with the phrase “waving the flag of their leader” instead of their country. That led me right in to them being on their bellies on the hill. I love being surprised that the guards glare is really a lover’s recognition. I’m not going to complain about the 100 word format because when it is used as well as you used it, the intrigue at the end plays on in my mind and I write the rest for myself.

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    1. Thank you, Ly. What a nice compliment you gave me. The 100-word format is a good exercise for me. It’s amazing how one little word can change everything about your story. I think it’s also a good way to write a bigger story if you are so inspired. I’m happy I could give your imagination something to play with. Thanks for reading.

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  23. Dear Amy,

    From a scene setting and descriptive point of view, this story was great. From a ‘what’s going on? POV there are some questions. Usually the comments sort them out for me but in this case I just think you had to keep working it to reach a point where you reveal what’s going on and still retain your high marks for craftsmanship.

    Or, as a famous person once said, maybe not.

    Aloha,

    Doug

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    1. Doug,
      Thank you for your careful reading, as always. It’s okay. I really worked hard at this one, but had to finally let it rest. I think I had too much going on here so it was hard for me to make it work. I may work on it later. Or, maybe not. It’s all helpful for the creative process.
      Aloha,
      Amy

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      2. Thank you, Hilal! I think your English is great. Don’t worry. I will never be correcting your English. It’s the thoughts that count. Please feel free to comment any time. I appreciate your comments today! – Amy

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