There’s Nothing a Few Boob Jokes Can’t Cure

Amy Reese,

The subject today is boobs. I imagine I have your attention, or at least half of you. Ask any woman and I bet she has her own back story about her breasts.

When I first wore a bra at the age of thirteen, it was really more a matter of principle than need. Even though I was as flat as a pancake, I was strong enough to perform 20 pull-ups without breaking a sweat for my Physical Education test. By night, I was a competitive gymnast which may have stunted my pubescent growth. It didn’t stop some jerk-head at school from pulling my bra strap for his amusement every time our eyes met. Asshole. I wanted to go home immediately, and curl up and die.

Meanwhile, my younger sister blossomed well ahead of schedule. By the time she was thirteen, she was becoming a beautiful woman, her breasts full, a bra necessary, doing her best to ignore the awkward, furtive glances from our older brothers’ friends. Sure, she got some attention, and I was probably a little jealous.

Fast forward a few years more, and my sister’s breasts grew uncomfortably large, causing her back pain, and making exercise difficult. Buying a bra, a swimsuit, or any clothing really, proved to be an enormous, painstaking chore. I’m more or less happy with mine. So for the record, sensitivity is not lost on me.

Here’s the thing, I had an experience the other day with a woman (male audience, relax)…well, I can’t get my point across without explaining to you that the size of her bosom was phenomenal. By this I mean, they were gargantuan, hard not to notice, a huge rack. You got me? I am not well versed in guessing a woman’s chest size, but I would surmise a K or J cup…triple J perhaps? I actually have no idea. This detail isn’t critical. But I know some of you prefer a visual:

Bra
Expecting some gratuitous Ta-Tas here? Well, you can fantasize. Welcome to the female mind.

As I wandered aimlessly in the local Barnes & Noble, I looked up from a book, and there they were. My eyeballs popped out of their sockets. Soft, flesh pillows spilled out of the top of her silky, red blouse matching the red of her lips, her smile radiant. Bewildered, I cast my eyes downward. I was caught. She caught me staring at her breasts. Focusing from the chin up, I looked at her straight in the eye, offering a casual smile. I had hoped the whole thing went unnoticed. Oh, I think she noticed all right.

She proceeded as follows:

“You know these women who are hired for their big boobs at restaurants,” I was sure she was seething inside. “Well, what about these women who only have one leg?”

Huh?

“They work at I-HOP.*”

Relieved, I had a good laugh. She continued.

“What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?”

I shrugged and smiled.

“Snow balls,” she said.

I burst with uncontrollable laughter for some reason. I wanted to give her a high five.

“You needed a good laugh, didn’t you?” Yes, I did. I think she could have told a few more.

I walked away thinking about her brilliant smile, her warm sense of humor, and that she seemed happy in her skin.

Okay, now stop your weeping, and go forth and love yourself. We should all be so lucky.

*A breakfast/pancake house.

photo credit: Kris Kesiak Photography via photopin cc; Mangiu via photopin cc

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115 Comments

  1. I suppose this woman used her sense of humor to diffuse the embarrassment — I get the impression that she was so used to this kind of interaction that she came up with a way to deal with it. What a cute story!

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  2. Awww I love her kindess. I am huge-breasted. Because I am in my season of fat, I am a 34 G. Think of that ratio boob to rib. I can’t buy my bras or suits at any department store and it is a pain. I need to remember those jokes. I swear, sometimes I feel like a walking boob.

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    1. Awww, Becca, thanks for sharing! That does sound like a tough ratio. I imagine it would be difficult to find the right sizes. Do you order stuff online? Of course, then you can’t try anything on which makes all the difference. This woman was kind. It was a heartwarming exchange! The jokes seemed to work for her. I know I appreciated them.

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      1. Before I moved last year, there was a specialty shop for big boobed women. They carried my bras. Swim suits were all over 100 dollars and bras were about 60 each. Now I just guess on shops on the internet.

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      2. Oh, man…I tried to buy a swimsuit once online and that didn’t work. Then I ordered another, and that didn’t really work either but I kept it anyway. So, I bet that’s hard to do. Wow, that’s pricey. There should be more shops for big boobed women. I bet there’s a need out there.

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      4. Right. Then your boob size can change and most probably just wearing the same wrong size. Maybe should open your own shop! It could only be run by someone, like yourself, who understands the needs of big boobed women. I bet it would do well!

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  3. Yes, I’m sure she must get those stares all the time, from men and women alike.

    I’m quite small in the booby department, I mean we’re not talking pancakes, there’s a handful there for someone with modest sized hands, but I’m certainly on the small side. I’m quite glad of that though when I hear about the discomfort experienced by the larger breasted ladies.

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    1. Yes, I’m certain she gets stares, since she got them from me. I try to discreet about these things. Thanks for sharing about your boobies, Vanessa. Yes, mine have changed over the years, especially after kids. All a part of life, I guess. I feel fortunate that they don’t get in the way of my activities. I would find that the hardest thing, not to mention the discomfort.

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      3. I usually only teach elementary school. They generally have no tact either. Two of the things they always comment on are my one tooth that sticks out a bit and my hairy arms. I just tell them my mother was a vampire and my father was a werewolf. 🙂

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  6. Well know …. it looks like I get to be the first male to comment. I must say that I didn’t know where this was going, then pow … great point! … and I agree. Meanwhile, a friend of mine (a male) says men have shouldn’t be excited about breasts because “breasts are for babies.” … to which I respond, “goo goo dada.”

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    2. Perfect comment, Frank! I approve wholeheartedly. You are bold to go first. I wasn’t sure who I would hear from with this post…women or men? I’m glad both feel comfortable enough to share. Personally, I think my sons who were both breastfed will turn out to boob men. I’m betting on it. 🙂

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      1. Now that would be an interesting study … Does breast feeding affect being a boob man? …. Sounds like a good question to pursue as a science fair project for one of your boys. 😉 Then again, it’s probably already been studied.

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      2. Oh, Frank…how would such a study be pursued I wonder. Ha ha. Still, it does sound like an interesting study and seems like it would have been done. Now I’m going to have to go research. 🙂

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  7. I like her! She must get those stares a lot, good for her for handling it all so well
    I’m so glad that I fit into the very-average category. Middle school was spent dealing with fat jokes rather than bra snapping, thank goodness! But then they shrunk after I lost all that extra weight 😦

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      3. I responded to MissFourEyes here…about the same thing happened to me with boobs after kids. I’m fine with it! Kids just change everything, body and all. Yes, I agree about the weight factor. This is some kind of cosmic injustice. Where’s our say in this?

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    2. Funny isn’t, it? It’s so hard to get the proportion we want. If only we could lose from the tummy first. That seems to be last! She was quite the pro at handling my staring. She was obviously very experienced in this matter! I feel fortunate I’m in the average category too and feel for women who must deal with the discomfort and all the rest.

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  8. I’d have preferred a few more pictures or some Friday fiction about the experience with the other woman, but I see your point. From my side of the plate, that is…

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  12. If we could all love ourselves and laugh at our imperfections, we’d all be better off. I’m sure Lady Ta-Ta is very accustomed to those reactions, she’s just owned it and made it into a positive thing. Very cool.

    Alas, I have no such large boob problem.

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  13. Just showing up to lend my support to Frank in case this turns ugly.

    Bookstore girl has a wonderful sense of humor!
    And as a guy (who loooooovvvvveeeessss the female form), even I’m occasionally uncomfortable with how fast my eyes snap to breasts when there are women around.

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    1. El Guapo, what could be ugly here about Boobies?!! We’re having a great time. I appears to be a good topic.

      You know, in your defense, I think it’s okay! Women are beautiful after all, big or small. I think you agree with me there. Bookstore girl is the bomb! It was my lucky day.

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  15. Amy,
    First, I read this post because YOU wrote it; not because “boob” was in the title.
    Second, that there even exists a restaurant chain with boobs as their prime marketing tool accentuates an embarrassing shallowness of my gender.
    Third, I’m sticking with the “size doesn’t matter” theory, for personal reasons…Ha!
    Funny post!
    Red

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    1. Red…
      First, I only believe this because it’s you, Red.
      Second, I couldn’t have said it better. I have nothing to add,sir. You covered that very well.
      Third, Ditto!!
      And, I do thank you for reading…Thanks!
      Amy

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  17. Breasts are beautiful, for all the possible reasons, very much including raising children. They are so much part of women – of course – and really it should make no difference what size or shape. Doesn’t. They are beautiful because they represent feminity, but yes,I understand very large can be uncomfortable in some ways. there does seem to be pressure on women about breast size/shape, or a desire to be ‘better’. But without sounding odd, I must say that a few visits to French or Croatian naturalist beaches can be a tonic, where all can just ‘be’. I quote my long suffering better half about that.

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    1. Managua, thank you for your insightful comments. I agree it makes no difference of the size or shape of women’s breast. I do think women struggle with issues, however. But, definitely, breasts should be celebrated. You don’t sound odd at all…I’m always marveling at all your adventures. Nothing sounds more peaceful than being somewhere where all can just “be.” I think everyone could use a place such as this.

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  18. You could do 20 pull-ups??? What kind of freak of fitness are you? No female I ever met could do 20 pull-ups. I salute you, Bumble. That big-boobed broad sounds like a hoot. I would enjoy hanging out with her. We could trade bra tips and big boob jokes and stuff.

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    1. Weebs, I did 20 pull-ups every night, at least! I was hardcore, going to the Olympics and stuff…ok, not really. But, it was intense. Thank you. Now, I’d be lucky if I could do one! You would have loved this woman, I just know it. I could use some bra tips. Ok, who’s doing the bra tip post. Anyone?…

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  19. It’s good to be able to laugh at ones self. I do it all the time. I had to wear a bra by age 9. I was an early developer. I am also vertically challenged. 5 ft even if I stretch. So being fairly large breasted and short was interesting growing up. I remember the boys in grade school would corner me just so they could ‘touch’ me. Yeah, kids are mean. I am not ginormous, but for being on the short side I am much bigger then I should be. But, hey. I am who I am and I offer no excuses. 🙂

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  20. Strangely enough, I get caught looking at huge breasted women as well because I’m flat as a pancake! I wonder how they can carry those things around (it must be an awful strain on the back). I’m glad the woman had a great sense of humour – and the jokes were great! 😉

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  21. You have great followers which is a testament to your great writing! One day I’m going to visit all of the blogs of your followers. Come to think of it–I don’t read comments on any one else’s blog.
    Weighing in on the question at hand–I’ve been told that a handful if enough. Good thing!!!

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    1. Thanks, Ly. That’s so thoughtful of you to say and notice. I do love all my blogging friends! To me the comments are the best part, and often more interesting than my post. Thanks for your comments, too. A handful is plenty, yes?!

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  22. Pingback: My First Nude Sauna | Tea with a Pirate

  23. ‘Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun! You don’t stare at it! It’s too risky! You get a sense of it, then you look away!’ (*in my best Jerry Seinfeld*)
    It’s okay… I went to art-school. That works, right? Like being a doctor? Er… something…
    🙂

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  24. Ha! She must have a lot of experience disarming people. What a skill-set!

    Mine were larger than my babies’ heads when they were born, and then settled into saggy lop-sidedness. How ironic, now that I’m comfortable enough in my body not to slouch forward in an effort to hide them.

    Another funny boob story: my two year old is trying to nurse EVERYONE’s boobs now: my husband’s, my daughter’s, my step-sons’, Barbie’s. No success yet.

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    1. I had that feeling when I talked to her. She must be used to people staring at her. I’m sure she had many more jokes to tell. It took me by surprise. Sorry about the lop-sidedness. Dang! That’s hysterical about your child! Is she being weaned? That is a hard stage!! Even Barbie, she’s creative, and hey, Barbie has boobs so that’s a good effort!!

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  25. I can only hope to be so lucky the next time I go to Barnes & Noble. I wish I could have 1/4 of that woman’s confidence. Then, maybe, I would be comfortable in my own skin. By the way, we are living my parallel lives, Amy. I was always jealous of my sister’s voluptuous breasts!

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    1. Yes, exactly, this woman had a ton of confidence. She made me feel completely at ease and was very warm and gracious, so much so that she inspired a blog post. Anka, that is so funny. Maybe we are living parallel lives, and we found each other here in the blogosphere. It could be!

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  26. I’m the total opposite of her. I’m almost as flat as a table top. When I was younger the boys used to tease me and say I didn’t have boobs, I had mosquito bites. But meh. That’s okay. I have booby friends complaining ALL the time about sweating too much or not being able to fit into clothes they like.. So I didn’t really mind.

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    1. Rynna…booby friends. That’s cute. I like that! Yes, I’m fine with less. It’s funny I didn’t feel that way in the beginning, now I couldn’t be happier about it! But, like I said, I do feel feel for people who struggle with it.

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  27. you should have underlined the “good” parts in red. thanks for writing this, even if only so women could admit how big chested (or not) they are. actually, i like small, like B-cup, but really i like women. they can be an A, i don’t care.

    when do you write a post about penis size? can i request that?

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    1. Isn’t all of it “good”? Did I use my quotes correctly there? I don’t think I did.

      I’m a C-cup, so I guess I’m too big. Sigh. It was fun to talk about boobs. Hey, why not? And, you’re welcome. It was my pleasure.

      Rich, I don’t feel qualified to write such a post…I don’t have one of those.

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  28. Fascinating. Men would never talk about their penis size this way. We would all lie. Some of you fine ladies have admitted to not having much. Can you imagine just one man admitting to that? No way, Mrs. Jose. I did read somewhere not long ago that most women have the wrong bra size. Most have a size too small for them. Think of it as a pair of shoes. Think how uncomfortable you would be in shoes too small.

    Just recalled reading, yesterday, that Magnum condoms fit most men and that the name Magnum is used just to make men feel good and buy the product.

    PS: I wear size 12 shoes and have big hands. Hey, I’m a guy. What did you expect!

    All joy ladies in finding the perfect fit–in bras, of course. HF

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    1. Harperfaulkner, what a lovely name! I find your comments fascinating. Right you are…I think if men had to wear their penis on display the way that women do with their breasts, with actual sizes, the world would be a different place! I think a lot of women probably do wear the wrong bra size. I imagine this happens because our breasts change, pre and post children. Wouldn’t that be something if women had a Magnum bra, a one size fits all? Not likely! I enjoyed your comments. Thank you. – Amy

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  32. I saw a flower today called “large-cupped narcissus.” No joke. This post really made me smile after seeing the big-boobed flower.

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    1. Doug,
      Thanks for reading. Glad you enjoyed it! It was a fun discussion on my blog and I was surprised how much discussion this post generated. I like your overall assessment. Women are beautiful, in every shape, in every size. Thanks for that.
      Amy

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