Why I Know the Universe is F*cking With Me

~ Amy Reese

Ms. Universe is getting her kicks in, at my expense I might mention. Yeah, she’s frolicking around, having a grand time. But I know she’s fucking with me, and you know what? I’m shrugging it off. Next week, I may even laugh at all the stunts she’s pulled. Does she really think I’m not paying attention? Does she hope I’m going to crumble into a little ball in the corner and give up?

Any number of her latest antics, especially in combination, could do damage. Yet I see the web she’s spinning, and I’m not falling for her dreary, pathetic attempts at cutting me down. Her efforts thus far include the following:

  • My electronic bill won’t print, and I needed it the day before yesterday. I would be all for green, Ms. U, but do you see what you did here?
  • I’m put on hold for an entire 15 minutes to talk about said bill, and by the time I actually speak to someone, my phone battery dies. Yeah, I’m talking to air for at least a minute. That’s really funny, Ms. U. You think air is where it’s at, for breathing and so forth. Get a hold of yourself and be sensible.
  • I’m on a diet and my food is running out. So? So, what. It’s not like I can whisper grow it.
  • It’s 94 degrees in the month of October. It’s fall already. October is my favorite month, because it’s FALL!!! The plants are confused, but I’m not. The leaves should be falling, remember? You know, fall, FALLING!!!
  • Absences are unexcused, but his presence is impermissible. This is a rat’s nest, not immune, however, to a bolt of lightning effective in any capacity. What a slacker you’ve been. I’m waiting.
  • I put a Netflix disk in the mailbox, only to later receive the same exact disk AGAIN. I finished watching the last disk of The Walking Dead and was expecting Game of Thrones, but no. Why? You know how I look forward to this. You must really have it in for me.
  • I’m homeschooling. My post could end right here, couldn’t it? I accept that life is a mystery, Ms. U, already.
  • My computer crashes just in time for an online learning regimen. What gives? A file so malicious, I can’t even remove it, and apparently, the cleaners are clueless. I’m through with your games and lies. I need reliability and security. Cough it up!
  • I’m typing this post on an iPad and it sucks, but hey, I’m still here.

Take that Ms. Universe! I will leave these nitty-gritty pieces to collect dust. You can’t drag me down.
I’m steering clear of Ms. Universe and her high drama. Go now Ms. Universe and be one with the blood moon. Or, is that not your little masterpiece? Go on, you heard me.

 

47 thoughts on “Why I Know the Universe is F*cking With Me”

  1. I’ll give Ms Universe a hug Amy. That should take her mind off you for a bit. Which one is she in the swimsuit contest ? Got to find the right one 😉 Ralph xox ❤

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      3. Thanks Amy. I have put in a good word for you. There’s always a reason for these screw ups.. At least it makes a good post 😀

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  2. So sorry the Universe is messing with you! (And I’m really sorry about the computer thing. That sucks.) Maybe the Universe is just giving you lots of bad stuff because it plans on rewarding you later. Like with a winning lottery ticket.

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    1. Oh no!! I can’t touch that. I’m so sorry to hear about this, Giselle. That is terrible. I hope the car was not new. I had an older car and I didn’t care one bit if it got scratched or dented. I’ll admit, it was the only good thing about having an old car, but kind of freeing. Will insurance cover it? Hey, you’ve come to the right place to vent! Tell the Universe to get her act together. Stand strong.

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  4. The Universe does that to us Amy, like it randomly decides that you are the next one to fall foul of its whims and so as it sits back and laughs at your frustrations you tear out more hair than you should, you feel yourself aging by the second and just to rub salt into your wounds it connects everything for five minutes and then crashes it all before your eyes. Yes some days every thing sucks!!

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    1. Michael, exactly! Well said. Just when you think you’ve got your act together and smooth sailing, Whamo, the Universe is at it again. She dishes up something else. Best not to get too comfortable, I guess! Aging by the second, I have those days, and then feel I need to sleep for whole days, but that never happens. Thanks for your words of wisdom. I appreciate it.

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  5. Amy, I’m sorry that Ms. U is taking a jab you. This blistering heat is AWFUL–so backwards. It saddens me because Fall is my favorite time of year, too. No food in the fridge–not comforting either. I’m making tacos for dinner, wish I could send you a plate. Instead, I’m sending you hugs my friend. We’re all here to stand in the gap with you!!

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    1. Oh, I want a plate of tacos, but happily accept your hugs. This heat is constant. I’ve never felt such a hot October ever! Thanks Anka, for standing tall with me. Love you, my friend.

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      1. Exactly! How are we supposed to enjoy a pumpkin spiced latte in October when it’s a 100 degrees outside? Here’s to cooler and calmer days . . .
        Love you too, my dear!

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  6. Funny that you would assign a feminine identity to the universe. Typically, clunky things that lack elegance are described as being masculine. Things with grace and beauty are feminine. Clearly, the universe is a dude.

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  7. When I first read the headline, I thought F*cking was an adjective rather than a verb. As in, the universe was “with you.” Even thought that the second time I read the headline. Than I read your post. Apparently, I was wrong. Sorry to hear all of this. I’m thinking things will turn around tomorrow. Right?

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  8. I like how you’ve decided the Universe is female. 🙂 Sorry things suck now, I really am, although I like your grit and determination. As they would say in Korea, “Fighting!”

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  9. If your computer is Windows, go back two restore points and restore. Then download, update and run malware bytes (www.malwarebytes.org free version).
    I’ve had a lot of luck with that routine.

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    1. Guapo, as always, thanks for your advice. I will look into this. I liked the malware in the past, but then it stopped working. My computer got buggy all of a sudden and then I had no internet. I’ve been lost ever since. 😦

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    1. You dated her, huh? You are a brave one. She must be menopausal. That would explain a lot. All of her hot flashes and such, and why we are sweltering here. C’mon, Ms. Universe, please stop being so selfish.

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  14. Wait, you do Netflix with disks still? Why not online streaming? Just wondering!

    I always feel unsettled when the seasons don’t go quite right too! When I lived in Vegas I missed the changing seasons, but I kind of accepted it because I knew that’s how it was there. Last winter here in England we didn’t have any snow (well they did in some parts of the country, but not where I live) and it never got really cold, and yet as much as I hate the cold, it just didn’t seem right, especially the snow part because I LOVE the snow. So when the warmer weather started it didn’t seem right. Then in the summer, even though we had a pretty good summer weather-wise, I wanted to go abroad but I didn’t get my renewed passport back from the passport office in time, so I felt I wasted the whole summer waiting for my passport, and then it’s autumn again! Now universe, let’s try again this year, I want a good proper winter with cold and snow, and then a lovely summer where I get to go abroad too 🙂

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    1. Well, you can’t do online streaming for everything, especially the later seasons. Walking Dead waits until the last possible minute to make their most recent season available for online streaming. In fact, I got cable hoping I would have the channel for The Walking Dead, but no! It’s the only channel I really wanted! It’s that Universe again. Game of Thrones is DVD only, I think.

      California is such a tinderbox right now. We need rain so bad. And, I’ve never experienced such a dry, hot October. Hopefully, Ms. U will have pity on us. I hope you can get some snow, Vanessa. Snow can be so magical. I hope you can get a proper winter. Things are not the same when the seasons are screwed up. You do have this feeling of something being out of place. 🙂

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  15. Hope things have improved and Ms. Universe has moved on to cause upset for someone else. I think she’ll soon tire of your positive attitude 🙂

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    1. Actually, ever since I put this post up, I’ve felt better. Ms. U. was really throwing things in my way, hitting me with all these little things. Maybe she’ll move on soon and give the challenge to someone else. I hope! 🙂

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  18. Computer issues are the pits! There’s only one way to get back at Ms Universe and that’s to look her in the eye and thank her for everything she’s done for you – that always snaps her back into shape 😉

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    1. My computer is back, Dianne! Yay!! And it works. It feels like a brand new computer. You know the feeling, I know. When your computer isn’t cooperating it feels like the world is turned against you. But, it’s only a temporary thing. It’s all cleaned up! I try to be positive. 🙂

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