The Day My Keys Lost Themselves

Purse. Sunglasses. Water bottle. Check. Keys?…

You know that moment of panic.

Fact 1: When you lose your car keys everything comes to a screeching halt.

Keys? Where are the keys? I just had them, didn’t I? They were just here, weren’t they?

After combing through my purse, pockets, jacket, the places I had been, had not been, the couch, the counter tops, under the table…they were nowhere, although we were positive they were in the house…somewhere!

Fact 2: You lose your keys when you’re late or hungry (tired is a given).

It so happens, I was on my way to pick up Teriyaki Chicken bowls. Starving, tired, with the house properly ransacked, we agreed ordering out for pizza delivery would be a temporary fix.

Myth 1: If you stop looking for your keys, they will appear before your eyes.

The Force will take care of us. The keys would turn up when they’re ready. Just go about your business. It’s not so bad being home bound. You can get all those little projects done and laze about. The morning turned into afternoon. Still. No. Keys.

My dad tried to console me over the phone, “Look in the most obvious places. Maybe they’re in your pocket. Maybe they’re hanging up where right where they should be. You’ll wonder how you could have missed them!”

photo (68)
Nope. None of these. They’re not in their spot.

Yeah, and maybe I ate them in my sleep and they’re at the bottom of my stomach, huh? Did you think of that? And I’ll have to cut myself open with a knife and…

When she lost her keys, she lost her fucking mind.
When she lost her keys, she lost her  mind.

I’m not exaggerating. The missing keys dominate your every thought and action. Have you seen the keys? Have you looked through the clothes? The washer? The dryer? Are they in the fridge? The ice box? You feel like someone is playing a little prank on you. The kids did it. They’re the ones!

A fog wraps around your brain and now you can’t quite remember if you actually picked up those keys. Did you actually see the keys? Ever? And husband, do you know for sure if you actually hung them up? What if they’re not in the house? They could be anywhere.

Maybe I should split open this bean bag. It’s on a shelf five feet above my head. A little bird flew in and snagged it, and she took it up to her nest. You can see the possibilities are endless. What you need is a pep talk.

Myth 2: Talking about your problem with friends and loved ones will make you feel better.

Just no. Their first question will be, “Don’t you have a spare?”

Now that would be the solution to my little problem, wouldn’t it? They look to you as if you have the power to make the keys materialize before their eyes. If you just think a little harder you can will them into existence.

And making a copy from a set that doesn’t exist…well, I don’t know if that’s even possible.

I feel so much better. Thanks.

My Advice: Backtrack…It’s obvious.

After endless searching, we decided they are not in the house. In fact, since my husband is such a creature of habit, he couldn’t have possibly have hung them up because they were not hanging up in their place. Otherwise, they would be there. Simple. Somewhere between exiting the car to entering the house, the keys were lost. You know…they lost themselves. Hmm…

So backtracking…you threw out the trash from the car…

Uh huh…this led to a search in, what else…


Do you see the sparkly thing among the coffee grounds? (Restaged media)
Do you see the sparkly thing among the coffee grounds? (Restaged because social media.)

And…alas…THE KEYS!

The best thing is that it wasn’t even my fault!

Do you have a spare set of keys for your car? Don’t go telling me you do to make me feel all bad and stuff. But, if don’t, seriously get one. That was a close call.

photo credits: raganmd via photopin ccExpress Monorail via photopin cc