Why I Know the Universe is F*cking With Me

Ms. Universe is getting her kicks in, at my expense I might mention. Yeah, she’s frolicking around, having a grand time. But I know she’s fucking with me, and you know what? I’m shrugging it off. Next week, I may even laugh at all the stunts she’s pulled. Does she really think I’m not paying attention? Does she hope I’m going to crumble into a little ball in the corner and give up?

Any number of her latest antics, especially in combination, could do damage. Yet I see the web she’s spinning, and I’m not falling for her dreary, pathetic attempts at cutting me down. Her efforts thus far include the following:

  • My electronic bill won’t print, and I needed it the day before yesterday. I would be all for green, Ms. U, but do you see what you did here?
  • I’m put on hold for an entire 15 minutes to talk about said bill, and by the time I actually speak to someone, my phone battery dies. Yeah, I’m talking to air for at least a minute. That’s really funny, Ms. U. You think air is where it’s at, for breathing and so forth. Get a hold of yourself and be sensible.
  • I’m on a diet and my food is running out. So? So, what. It’s not like I can whisper grow it.
  • It’s 94 degrees in the month of October. It’s fall already. October is my favorite month, because it’s FALL!!! The plants are confused, but I’m not. The leaves should be falling, remember? You know, fall, FALLING!!!
  • Absences are unexcused, but his presence is impermissible. This is a rat’s nest, not immune, however, to a bolt of lightning effective in any capacity. What a slacker you’ve been. I’m waiting.
  • I put a Netflix disk in the mailbox, only to later receive the same exact disk AGAIN. I finished watching the last disk of The Walking Dead and was expecting Game of Thrones, but no. Why? You know how I look forward to this. You must really have it in for me.
  • I’m homeschooling. My post could end right here, couldn’t it? I accept that life is a mystery, Ms. U, already.
  • My computer crashes just in time for an online learning regimen. What gives? A file so malicious, I can’t even remove it, and apparently, the cleaners are clueless. I’m through with your games and lies. I need reliability and security. Cough it up!
  • I’m typing this post on an iPad and it sucks, but hey, I’m still here.

Take that Ms. Universe! I will leave these nitty-gritty pieces to collect dust. You can’t drag me down.
I’m steering clear of Ms. Universe and her high drama. Go now Ms. Universe and be one with the blood moon. Or, is that not your little masterpiece? Go on, you heard me.