Why I Know the Universe is F*cking With Me

Ms. Universe is getting her kicks in, at my expense I might mention. Yeah, she’s frolicking around, having a grand time. But I know she’s fucking with me, and you know what? I’m shrugging it off. Next week, I may even laugh at all the stunts she’s pulled. Does she really think I’m not paying attention? Does she hope I’m going to crumble into a little ball in the corner and give up?

Any number of her latest antics, especially in combination, could do damage. Yet I see the web she’s spinning, and I’m not falling for her dreary, pathetic attempts at cutting me down. Her efforts thus far include the following:

  • My electronic bill won’t print, and I needed it the day before yesterday. I would be all for green, Ms. U, but do you see what you did here?
  • I’m put on hold for an entire 15 minutes to talk about said bill, and by the time I actually speak to someone, my phone battery dies. Yeah, I’m talking to air for at least a minute. That’s really funny, Ms. U. You think air is where it’s at, for breathing and so forth. Get a hold of yourself and be sensible.
  • I’m on a diet and my food is running out. So? So, what. It’s not like I can whisper grow it.
  • It’s 94 degrees in the month of October. It’s fall already. October is my favorite month, because it’s FALL!!! The plants are confused, but I’m not. The leaves should be falling, remember? You know, fall, FALLING!!!
  • Absences are unexcused, but his presence is impermissible. This is a rat’s nest, not immune, however, to a bolt of lightning effective in any capacity. What a slacker you’ve been. I’m waiting.
  • I put a Netflix disk in the mailbox, only to later receive the same exact disk AGAIN. I finished watching the last disk of The Walking Dead and was expecting Game of Thrones, but no. Why? You know how I look forward to this. You must really have it in for me.
  • I’m homeschooling. My post could end right here, couldn’t it? I accept that life is a mystery, Ms. U, already.
  • My computer crashes just in time for an online learning regimen. What gives? A file so malicious, I can’t even remove it, and apparently, the cleaners are clueless. I’m through with your games and lies. I need reliability and security. Cough it up!
  • I’m typing this post on an iPad and it sucks, but hey, I’m still here.

Take that Ms. Universe! I will leave these nitty-gritty pieces to collect dust. You can’t drag me down.
I’m steering clear of Ms. Universe and her high drama. Go now Ms. Universe and be one with the blood moon. Or, is that not your little masterpiece? Go on, you heard me.


I want to know why

Dear readers, I am seeking answers. I need your help.

I want to know why when I take medicine with a measurement cup all the lines on the cup are faint and fuzzy. I mean the lines are practically invisible. If you’re the one who is sick and having to pour your own medicine, this is especially irritating. If they don’t want people to have the improper dose, at the very least, they could make some thicker, darker lines for us. Am I right? Why won’t they make lines and numbers we can see? Deeper indentations on the cup don’t count.

Take you medicine
Where are the lines? Is it some special code? I want to see thick, dark lines with big, dark numbers. How hard would it be?

I want to know why the grocery store where I shop thinks it’s perfectly befitting to separate the cookies and the crackers. Isn’t it common sense that they be placed in the same aisle? Cookies and crackers belong together. There’s a cosmic shift when I enter the store. Something is just wrong there. Why must they insist on keeping the cookies and crackers apart?

I want to know why Donald always looks so pissed off. Quit your lip smacking, finger-pointing, and obnoxious tweeting. We know you’re rich and in charge. Now use your mess of money for something good. Why not help rebuild a third-world country, or why not rebuild one of our own poverty-stricken neighborhoods right here in America? You don’t need to look very far. It might make you happy.

Shut it.

I want to know why these skeletons were responsible for deforming their own heads. In other words, while living, these people went through some kind of cranial rite of passage where their heads were purposefully distorted. Psst…or there could be a more rational explanation. Maybe they really are aliens.

Alien skull
Not the actual skull discovered, but similar. Note the conehead shape. See link for actual pictures.

In fact, this is the year we may find our sister planet Earth. Why isn’t this headline news? Enough of the fiscal cliff. We’re all doomed. But a sister planet Earth…maybe the aliens can save us. In a Universe so vast with an estimated 200 billion stars that host at least 50 billion planets (and this, just in the Milky Way), how can we think we’re all alone?

And finally, I want to know why this product is using my blog name and didn’t even consult me. It’s a Reese’s peanut butter cup moment: How did my blog name get into your product? And, how did your product get into my blog? All right, I guess I put it here.

Looks at all the ways you can bumble...
Look at all the ways you can bumble…
Look at the products that you can bristle, tousle, and tumble bumble with.
Look at all the products that you can bristle, tousle, and tumble bumble with.

It must be good with a name like Bumble, right? Actually, I need shampoo. Truth be told, lately I’ve been using my kids’ strawberry bath wash as shampoo. Oh, how could I let things get to this state? This year is off to a rocky start….
but soon, I’ll be washing my hair with my new Bumble shampoo…

Two Hours Later

Strike that. So, this Bumble shampoo has got to be the most expensive shampoo on the planet. My body wash will last one more day….

In the meantime, I will be expecting some answers. I’m counting on you.

For your listening pleasure, please enjoy the music by The Neighbourhood.

photo credit: Gage Skidmore, dreamside via photopin cc

Late Night Thoughts on Planetary Alignments

giza_alignmentPhoto credit: Charles Marcello

Let’s not forget the a-pocky-clips is near, highlighted by the above photo where the planets of Mercury, Venus, and Saturn line up over the pyramids of Giza on December 3, 2012.

This photo went viral months ago, of course, and is old news. Scientists have dissected it by now, revealing that said alignment of the planets, which indeed will occur, won’t look like this. The planets will align in a more vertical direction. Plus, this would never happen quite this way because the pyramids in the photo are backwards. I would think these little details would be fine tuned to properly pull off a stunt like this. But actually, that’s impossible, too, since this whole thing can’t really happen this way. I admit it’s a catchy photo. Charles Marcello created the photo, by the way, using an astronomy software program called Starry Night Pro.

And, another thing….

6+6+6=18   (Very good)

and, so it follows…

18+3=21 (Correct again!)

When these planets line up today (December 3rd)  it will be exactly 18 days away from December 21, 2012, the day that marks the end of the Mayan calendar. So, you see, this is significant.

I have grappled with the mysteries of life my entire existence, my purpose for this blog in fact, and this much I know. The end of the world, or even some catastrophic event, will not be something we can pencil in on our calendars. How do I know this? Because, dear reader, life doesn’t happen this way. It just doesn’t. Ask any woman who has tried to have a birth plan for her child? Did that work out? It usually doesn’t. You see my point?

Having this kind of insight into the end of the world, or even a new beginning, would indicate that we can somehow predict the inner workings of the Universe. The Universe!

So, admit it. When the 2,000 millennium bug did NOT happen, did you not feel a little let down? It’s easy to understand why we may crave an earth-shattering moment, or even a mere glimpse of something spectacular. This beats our daily life of work, bills, and laundry. If the apocalypse happened or the Rapture, or Armageddon, or what have you, well, you would have to forfeit control of your life. That’s right. You can just throw your problems out the window. Oh, you’ll have problems, but other problems, problems that belong to the apocalypse or new beginning, or whatever it may be. We would all be in dire straits together.

I’m familiar with this line of thinking because I used to think about the end of the world. When? How? That, and moving to Michigan. My life would be perfect and magical if only I could move to Michigan. They have those lakes, do they not? People there would be super nice. And fresh air, not like the smog of Southern California. I was about twelve years old, I believe, when I fantasized about this.

Now, I’m certain of this. On December 22nd, I will probably wake up in my bed, as I always do on this day, and think about the Christmas shopping that I have yet to do.

Of course, there’s always the zombie apocalypse. According to my family, they’re going to leave me behind because I will slow them down. I think they’ve been watching too many movies. Anyway, that’s fine with me, so long as I have a good book to read.

What about you? Do you have any special end of the world plans? So you know, I plan to be right here.